Alone

Ok so this is just how I feel sometimes, and when I say sometimes I mean like once every blue moon. I really don't want the readers to get the wrong idea, or get offended, etc. ya know?

I just feel really alone sometimes and like the outcast and I have always been the outcast. The first time I can actually remember being left out was in elementary school. I was hanging out and talking with some girls I thought were my friends and we all decided to go to the bathroom like girls do, and when we got in there they asked me a question as we were all going into our stalls, but when I finished and no one answered I stepped out and found out that they had ditched me in there. I was so hurt and went and hid and cried the rest of the recess.

In middle school I had friends and even went to parties but I was always the last person to find out and was always invited as almost a pity invite. I even had a really good friend and then introduced her to another friend and now they are best friends and barley remember who I am.

In high school I was on the Varsity Lacrosse team, so you would think that I had a lot of friends but again I had no one. They somehow forgot to tell me when team nights were and other events like that.

Then we moved to St. George and I was not going to be pushed aside I was going to be bold and just put myself out there. So my very first class of my very first day of school I sit down and turn to the girl behind me and say with a big smile "Hi my name is Megan and I just moved from California!" and her response was "That's nice" and then rolls her eyes and starts talking to some girl who just sat down. I wanted to cry! I wanted to just get up and leave and never come back.

When I went to DSC I moved out but still lived in town and I thought living on my own was going to be great! But after about 3 months there 2 of the girls came up to me and said ya know there is a place across the street that was opening up and I could move there. What did I do! I was clean I did my chores on the chore chart and I was almost never home to "bug" anyone because I was working 2 jobs and was going to college! What did I do!

I'm even alone in my own family! My brother well he's a boy and doesn't really get it, but my sister was always cold to me, she never wanted to admit that I was her sister (this is even before I got into my "crazy" years) I always seemed to be a disappointment.

Once I got into my "crazy" years there was a point where my mother was actually going to ship me off to live with one of my aunts because I was too much of an embarrassment!

My own aunts and uncles seem to be a little cold towards me at times. I'm trying to fit in but they all kinda give me this "whatever" vibe.

Then I went to China. I knew I was completely alone now though. I was going with a new slate no one knew who I was or where I came from but that didn't matter I was going to have a great experience right? Well that first day when we were all introducing ourselves again all I was getting was that's nice, that's nice...my own roommate was cold to me. I guess it was because I really didn't have any other choice but I kinda just forced myself upon these girls and then we became really good friends. But I again am the after thought now that we are all back, some of these girls still talk every day.

Then the best thing ever happened to me! I married David and I love him more then anything!

But ya know after awhile you just need a girlfriend to talk to and hang out with. But guess what I had no one to turn to. Sure I had an acquaintance or two but no one really stuck around.

We were in our young married couple ward for 2 years, we even sang in church but every single week the same people came up and asked if we were new. We decided to leave the ward when it was time for the Christmas party and we got there (early) and sat at an empty table in the middle and as everyone filed in no one sat with us! finally one couple came and sat down (because it was the last seat). A few minutes later a girl from a nearby table comes over and introduces her self to this girl and says she was new to the ward and just wanted to meet new people, talks with her for 5 minutes then looks at me gives me the "nod" then skips off to another table to introduce herself to them. I went home and cried.

Now we are in a new ward and that first Sunday was great! I finally felt accepted in a ward! The I got put on bed rest and everyone forgot about me. When I was finally able to go back it wasn't bad but I still feel like the afterthought. I even suggested something and everyone said well I don't know.... then 10 minutes later someone else suggests the exact same and all of a sudden it's the greatest thing ever!

What am I doing wrong! I think I'm "normal". At least I don't think I act crazy. I like the same things everyone else does, I do the same things. Why don't I have any friends? Everyone else seems to have someone they can call on and go have a girls night. But I'm stuck at home with just my husband (who I love). I even learned from past mistakes, I don't talk too much, I don't share TMI, I act happy and out going, I don't try and "correct" people...

But I'm always the girl who doesn't get invited.

What is wrong with me!

I'll always be the girl waiting to be invited...

Poem I wrote awhile ago that still kinda fits